Hey thur guyz.
I want to post because I'm back at school and I realize it's been way too long since I've written here [or written at all] and I feel very guilty for that.
How are things? Things on my end are pretty alright. I'm back at school like I said and have been since the end of August. Classes are in full swing. Mostly, I just have a lot of reading to do, but I'm a good reader when I actually do it, so that's not so bad.
Money is tight. Old prejudices against certain classmates have not lessened much with time. There are still people I will always wish I was cool enough to talk to, but know I never will. Some of the faces I grew used to seeing, even looked forward to seeing, have disappeared. The coffee is sweeter, the freshmen are intriguing, the classes are less intimidating. I do have more friends than I did before. It's so true what my friend Hannah told me once, that freshmen are at their most vulnerable that they will probably ever be in their lives. I was talking to some friends of mine yesterday and we all agreed- freshmen year was killer. It was difficult and exhausting and scary and just hard. So far this year feels a lot better and I hope to all goodness that it stays that way.
I've been here a bit over a month now, and I'll admit I've had some rough days. I don't know if it's because I have a disorder or if I'm just a lazy scumbag, but sometimes the prospect of a full day ahead of me is just so purely overwhelming. I still sleep a lot, too much. I still do dumb things like don't go to class in favor of napping and drink caffeinated coffee even though I know the effect it's going to have on my mental state, and occasionally allow myself to sleep through church, and spend money on frivolity and do homework in chapel and get by just by the skin of my teeth. I still disagree with a lot of school policies, I still get scared when I work out and I still eat way too much cereal and never enough protein. I still have trouble being honest and even more trouble being terribly friendly. I still think about love too much and sex too much and I still get really confused about all of it.
I think a part of me thought that after last year there would be no one left at this college I would be interested in. Unfortunately that's not quite the case, surprisingly so really, but it doesn't actually honestly matter.
I still have a bad haircut and generally shaky self-esteem and I still would rather invest more time in crap TV shows and the perfecting of my Sims 3 family than on an actual, terrifying relationship. I still have bad days and good days and I still don't know where I'd be without medication and a fairly lax schedule. I still don't write enough and I still think about leaving too much and I still almost never do my laundry. I still just stare at enchanting people instead of talking to them and I still cheat on my pathetic promise to get to the gym at least three times a week. I still write papers just hours before they're due and I still care more about completing my iTunes library than maintaining some sort of stellar GPA.
Basically, I'm still a jerk in all senses of the word.
But I'm trying, truly I am, and overall, I'd like to say I look down a little less when I walk to class and I make a little more effort to get the assigned reading done before class and I'm a little less self-conscious and internalized and a little more smiley and goofy.
And that is progress enough.
Showing posts with label Coffee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coffee. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
London, Sleeping, Edward Sharpe and Glee
Blah Blah Blah this post is going to contain absolutely nothing of substance, I just feel like I should write because it's May 14th and that means I'm going to London today but I'll be there tomorrow, which is still really confusing but whatever, I'm not gonna try and figure out exactly how many hours I'm losing or anything like that, I just really don't care.
I got home on Wednesday- now it's Monday, so I've had very little time to rest and recuperate from my first year of college, which was, purely, exhausting. Not even because the work was all that hard (it wasn't. Or maybe it was but I just didn't do any of it. That sounds about right.) I'm such a lazy drip and all I want to do is sleep all the time and usually my bed has no problem lulling me back into the oblivion of napping and even when I wake up, all I can think about is going back to sleep. It's a fantasy really, it's all I daydream about. Napping, napping, napping, sleeping, sleep. I understand now what Dooce was talking about in her blog, one of the earlier posts from back when she started it in 2001...holy mother at the time I was eight I think- yeah I was eight, and I had no idea how much what she was writing at the time would resonate with me someday, eleven years later:
http://dooce.com/archives/daily/10_04_2001.html
The first time I read that, I was like woah Dooce I feel ya, but I had no idea really at the time what she was talking about. The desire for sleep that I used to feel, back in high school, was just the normal sleepiness of a teenager. Teenagers like sleeping,we need a lot of it, we've got major hormone action and we've got a crap load of course work and man we are just under a whole lot of stress all of the time. Now college students, famously, we're not supposed to sleep, and I don't get as much as I would like- that certainly is true- but the problem is I can't function on that little sleep like other kids can. Because of the drugs. Drugs make the sleep deprivation I used to feel now seem like just a yawn, a mild, vague feeling of tiredness. The sleepiness I feel now can only be described by the post I linked to above. It is all-consuming, incapacitating, entirely demanding. I cannot help but give into its demands, no matter my location- be it the subway, church, or in the middle of class. The sleep monster must be satiated.
So that has me a little worried for London, just because me and the sleep monster are still really grappling, we aren't getting along too well, I don't know how to resist him, and that could pose a real problem in London, where I'm expected to do all this vigorous course work and crap. But I'm not gonna worry about it anymore cause where's the point in that?
Meanwhile I went to an Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros concert Saturday. It would've been rad except our seats were super far away, which made it hard to get into the full feel of things, and the guy next to us was high as a kite and smelled it. He asked me what I liked most about Edward Sharpe- I fumbled a bit for an answer but told him they didn't have a song I didn't like, I liked the energy I'd seen on their youtube videos and they were just fun. In return, he told me they changed the way he thought about things. I said like what. He said...movement...like movement through space. I wanted to suggest that perhaps it was the pot that was changing the way he thought about movement through space but then he got engaged in a conversation with his Asian girlfriend, who was also high. Krista and I spent the rest of the concert imitating their dance movies- high hipster, as seems a fitting name for him- was doing a very energetic, weird jerky thing, kind of like he was a marionette and the puppeteer was off his meds- and Asian girlfriend was doing a swaying, dreamy, eyes-closed sort of thing, like she was having a spiritual experience. All in all, they made for a very entertaining night, until high hipster got a mysterious text and had to go, failing to return for the rest of the show. After that the only entertainment (besides the band obviously) was a bunch of drunk friends, maybe in their late twenties or early thirties, all behaving in a thoroughly obnoxious manner not at all appropriate for their age which reminded me why drinking alcohol in public is a bad idea if you want to maintain any semblance of dignity of your person at all. There were several females in the party, none of them overly-attractive, all shouting at each other and hugging at regular intervals and talking through the majority of the performances. Krista aptly described them as a group that would have been much better suited to a Kenny Chesney concert- it was true. They were trying to be cool and indie but everything about them screamed the opposite. Major secondhand embarrassment. They watched a video of a cat chasing a fish on an iPad nine times. Nine. Times. People. I mean I guess it's kinda funny but oh wait IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY. I could give them the benefit of the doubt and say alcohol played a role but to be fair they had barely started drinking at that point, so I'm pretty sure they were just idiots even while sober. The Asian chick left after a while (she needed wider, more open space in which to sway in) but her and high hipster's backpack was still in the seat and one of the two guys in the drunk group, Douchebag McGee as I fondly refer to him, stole a joint from her backpack and smoked it. If Douchebag McGee was an obnoxious drunk, he was even worse while stoned. He proceeded to dance provocatively, (lots of pelvic thrusting), feel up his girlfriend, and shout. Just general shouting. He also stole a poster from me in a manner which I expect he thought was sly, but much to his chagrin, I stole it back when he wasn't looking. He was not happy.
Overall very fun night. It was topped off by a drunk girl, slender with a cheetah-patterned bra which was entirely visible through the gaps in her slashed and tattered t-shirt that was falling off her skinny shoulders (Fashion statement people) stumbling and clutching onto a hot boyfriend who yelled gleefully "my girlfriend's drunk!" The next I saw of them, the girl was lying down on the sidewalk outside of the Orpheum theater with her boyfriend on top of her, engaged in some passionate kissing/slobbering. I might've been disgusted, but the couple was attractive and the girl had lots of badass tattoos so I was alright with it. Also, I've never seen anyone literally lay down in the streets of Boston and get it on before, so that was kind of cool. A new high of debauchery/patheticness.
So yup. Good times in the city. Boston, you're my home!
Other than that, what have I been doing with myself in the brief time that I've been home? Television. Catching up on New Girl, and, I confess, Glee. I love Glee and I'm not ashamed people. Not only is it funny, sexy, lovably stupid, entertaining, and musical in a good way- but it has Darren Criss. And I really like Darren Criss. Really really really a lot. I am actually completely smitten with Darren Criss but that's another story.
I've been listening to a lot of Rihanna, Kaki King, Justin Timberlake, Glee covers, Santigold, The Beatles, Audioslave and Justin Bieber. Don't judge, his new CD is catchy.
I've also been catching up with friends, and home-brewed coffee, and sleep, and my dog, and ice cream from Dairy Twist, and stuff like that.
But all that pleasantness is over because I have to go to London and yes I say have to and yes I'm not exactly excited but hopefully it'll be kind of fun and not totally miserable...
I'll let you know.
Catch ya on the flipside my blogging friends.
I got home on Wednesday- now it's Monday, so I've had very little time to rest and recuperate from my first year of college, which was, purely, exhausting. Not even because the work was all that hard (it wasn't. Or maybe it was but I just didn't do any of it. That sounds about right.) I'm such a lazy drip and all I want to do is sleep all the time and usually my bed has no problem lulling me back into the oblivion of napping and even when I wake up, all I can think about is going back to sleep. It's a fantasy really, it's all I daydream about. Napping, napping, napping, sleeping, sleep. I understand now what Dooce was talking about in her blog, one of the earlier posts from back when she started it in 2001...holy mother at the time I was eight I think- yeah I was eight, and I had no idea how much what she was writing at the time would resonate with me someday, eleven years later:
http://dooce.com/archives/daily/10_04_2001.html
The first time I read that, I was like woah Dooce I feel ya, but I had no idea really at the time what she was talking about. The desire for sleep that I used to feel, back in high school, was just the normal sleepiness of a teenager. Teenagers like sleeping,we need a lot of it, we've got major hormone action and we've got a crap load of course work and man we are just under a whole lot of stress all of the time. Now college students, famously, we're not supposed to sleep, and I don't get as much as I would like- that certainly is true- but the problem is I can't function on that little sleep like other kids can. Because of the drugs. Drugs make the sleep deprivation I used to feel now seem like just a yawn, a mild, vague feeling of tiredness. The sleepiness I feel now can only be described by the post I linked to above. It is all-consuming, incapacitating, entirely demanding. I cannot help but give into its demands, no matter my location- be it the subway, church, or in the middle of class. The sleep monster must be satiated.
So that has me a little worried for London, just because me and the sleep monster are still really grappling, we aren't getting along too well, I don't know how to resist him, and that could pose a real problem in London, where I'm expected to do all this vigorous course work and crap. But I'm not gonna worry about it anymore cause where's the point in that?
Meanwhile I went to an Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros concert Saturday. It would've been rad except our seats were super far away, which made it hard to get into the full feel of things, and the guy next to us was high as a kite and smelled it. He asked me what I liked most about Edward Sharpe- I fumbled a bit for an answer but told him they didn't have a song I didn't like, I liked the energy I'd seen on their youtube videos and they were just fun. In return, he told me they changed the way he thought about things. I said like what. He said...movement...like movement through space. I wanted to suggest that perhaps it was the pot that was changing the way he thought about movement through space but then he got engaged in a conversation with his Asian girlfriend, who was also high. Krista and I spent the rest of the concert imitating their dance movies- high hipster, as seems a fitting name for him- was doing a very energetic, weird jerky thing, kind of like he was a marionette and the puppeteer was off his meds- and Asian girlfriend was doing a swaying, dreamy, eyes-closed sort of thing, like she was having a spiritual experience. All in all, they made for a very entertaining night, until high hipster got a mysterious text and had to go, failing to return for the rest of the show. After that the only entertainment (besides the band obviously) was a bunch of drunk friends, maybe in their late twenties or early thirties, all behaving in a thoroughly obnoxious manner not at all appropriate for their age which reminded me why drinking alcohol in public is a bad idea if you want to maintain any semblance of dignity of your person at all. There were several females in the party, none of them overly-attractive, all shouting at each other and hugging at regular intervals and talking through the majority of the performances. Krista aptly described them as a group that would have been much better suited to a Kenny Chesney concert- it was true. They were trying to be cool and indie but everything about them screamed the opposite. Major secondhand embarrassment. They watched a video of a cat chasing a fish on an iPad nine times. Nine. Times. People. I mean I guess it's kinda funny but oh wait IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY. I could give them the benefit of the doubt and say alcohol played a role but to be fair they had barely started drinking at that point, so I'm pretty sure they were just idiots even while sober. The Asian chick left after a while (she needed wider, more open space in which to sway in) but her and high hipster's backpack was still in the seat and one of the two guys in the drunk group, Douchebag McGee as I fondly refer to him, stole a joint from her backpack and smoked it. If Douchebag McGee was an obnoxious drunk, he was even worse while stoned. He proceeded to dance provocatively, (lots of pelvic thrusting), feel up his girlfriend, and shout. Just general shouting. He also stole a poster from me in a manner which I expect he thought was sly, but much to his chagrin, I stole it back when he wasn't looking. He was not happy.
Overall very fun night. It was topped off by a drunk girl, slender with a cheetah-patterned bra which was entirely visible through the gaps in her slashed and tattered t-shirt that was falling off her skinny shoulders (Fashion statement people) stumbling and clutching onto a hot boyfriend who yelled gleefully "my girlfriend's drunk!" The next I saw of them, the girl was lying down on the sidewalk outside of the Orpheum theater with her boyfriend on top of her, engaged in some passionate kissing/slobbering. I might've been disgusted, but the couple was attractive and the girl had lots of badass tattoos so I was alright with it. Also, I've never seen anyone literally lay down in the streets of Boston and get it on before, so that was kind of cool. A new high of debauchery/patheticness.
So yup. Good times in the city. Boston, you're my home!
Other than that, what have I been doing with myself in the brief time that I've been home? Television. Catching up on New Girl, and, I confess, Glee. I love Glee and I'm not ashamed people. Not only is it funny, sexy, lovably stupid, entertaining, and musical in a good way- but it has Darren Criss. And I really like Darren Criss. Really really really a lot. I am actually completely smitten with Darren Criss but that's another story.
I've been listening to a lot of Rihanna, Kaki King, Justin Timberlake, Glee covers, Santigold, The Beatles, Audioslave and Justin Bieber. Don't judge, his new CD is catchy.
I've also been catching up with friends, and home-brewed coffee, and sleep, and my dog, and ice cream from Dairy Twist, and stuff like that.
But all that pleasantness is over because I have to go to London and yes I say have to and yes I'm not exactly excited but hopefully it'll be kind of fun and not totally miserable...
I'll let you know.
Catch ya on the flipside my blogging friends.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Things I Have Been Doing Lately (Rather than Blogging)
1. Listening to Lana Del Rey's new album over and over again.
2. Reading "Crazy Love"
3. Reading "The Book Thief"
4. Reading Boethius' philosophy...
5. Reading "The Hunger Games"
6. Listening to Sneaker Pimps
7. Trekking through woods and fields
8. Watching the LOTR trilogy
9. Spending hours in Java, drinking coffee, procrastinating on homework
10. Working out (shocking I know!)
11. Sleeping. Always. Sleeping.
12. Writing an inordinate amount of papers.
13. Star tipping.
14. Planning out the new tattoo I'm getting this month!
15. Working working working.
16. Making new friends!
17. Going to concerts.
18. Going to church.
19. Eating peanut butter-related items. (Even more shocking than me working out, I know).
20. Doing my homework (WHO HAVE I BECOME?)
21. Watching TV.
22. Ordering a diva cup. (I KNOW. I KNOW.)
23. Planning trips to exciting places.
24. Not blogging.
*Painting! I forgot about painting. My friend is teaching me to paint; it's awesome.
Sorry about that. I'm a let down. But a whole crap load of stuff has been going in my life. That above is just the highlights/ blogger-appropriate stuff. I'll have a better, more substantial and interesting post later in the week. Until then, Happy February. Do interesting things :)
2. Reading "Crazy Love"
3. Reading "The Book Thief"
4. Reading Boethius' philosophy...
5. Reading "The Hunger Games"
6. Listening to Sneaker Pimps
7. Trekking through woods and fields
8. Watching the LOTR trilogy
9. Spending hours in Java, drinking coffee, procrastinating on homework
10. Working out (shocking I know!)
11. Sleeping. Always. Sleeping.
12. Writing an inordinate amount of papers.
13. Star tipping.
14. Planning out the new tattoo I'm getting this month!
15. Working working working.
16. Making new friends!
17. Going to concerts.
18. Going to church.
19. Eating peanut butter-related items. (Even more shocking than me working out, I know).
20. Doing my homework (WHO HAVE I BECOME?)
21. Watching TV.
22. Ordering a diva cup. (I KNOW. I KNOW.)
23. Planning trips to exciting places.
24. Not blogging.
*Painting! I forgot about painting. My friend is teaching me to paint; it's awesome.
Sorry about that. I'm a let down. But a whole crap load of stuff has been going in my life. That above is just the highlights/ blogger-appropriate stuff. I'll have a better, more substantial and interesting post later in the week. Until then, Happy February. Do interesting things :)
Friday, December 23, 2011
Simple Joys and Christmastime
Today I went to a second-hand clothing shop in Cambridge called The Garment District. I bought 11.6 pounds of clothing for $11.60. I bought three more shirts for around $9 bucks each (they were deemed too nice to go into the dollar-a-pound pile) and also, a hat. I love a good hat. And I love a good bargain. Some of the clothes are, well- understandably discarded by others. But I can make them into something cool, I think. I think almost anything can look cool. It's all about the confidence of the person wearing it.
It rained today: it should've snowed. But even without the snow, tomorrow is still Christmas Eve, and I'm glad. I've discovered something about being home that I never used to know. Since college is in New York and the only time I'm ever home is during school break, it's become a lot more enjoyable of a place. The only things I associate home with anymore are hanging out with people I love, sleeping late in my old bed, playing with my dog: just relaxing. It's really lovely. I like being home so much more now than I ever did in high school. I like it a lot.
I drank a lot of coffee today, far too much- I can't really have caffeine anymore since it does terrible things to my body, but I'm indulging because it's the holidays. Currently I'm in my favorite pajamas (my favorite pajamas always consist partially of worn, faded, over-sized t-shirts.) They're not sexy pajamas, my friend pointed out to me. She said she could picture me, married someday, writing, wearing my skirts all day and then getting home to my cold apartment and climbing in bed with my laptop and my oversized t-shirts and my glasses next to my husband...She can picture my whole life very well. Apartments and the city in the winter and simple joys, takeout meals and candlelight and cheap living all around. Book-reading and throw rugs and things that are broken and things that are recycled and creative and homemade and a lot of making do. I think it sounds like an okay picture.
I'm sitting in my bed, surrounded my my secondhand clothes, watching Bridget Jones' Diary, which is a fairly terrible movie, except I love Renee Zellweger and I love Hugh Grant and I love Colin Firth, and I love Jane Austen remakes too, even crappy ones. And anyway, BJD is one of those crappy movies that I love to indulge myself in once in a while. I'm watching it and eating homemade fudge: one of the perks of having a mother whose a 2nd grade teacher: at Christmastime she gets lots of presents from the kids, and one of those presents is always, inevitably, fudge.
I'm also listening, while I write this, to my winter playlist. Right now it consists of Feist's new album, "Metals", particularly the songs "Graveyard" and "How Come You Never Go There". It also consists of Greg Hansard and Marketa Irglova's song "Falling Slowly", The Civil Wars' song, "Poison and Wine", Lana Del Rey's song, "Video Games", Kate Nash's song, "Nicest Thing", Snow Patrol's song, "Set Fire to the Third Bar"...and well, a lot of other music I'm not going to list right now. But it's beautiful stuff, and it's perfect for the mood I'm in right now. (It's not all depressing, I only listed the sadder songs, because they're what I'm listening to now. They seemed fitting.)
I wrote a long post about tattoos and things, and I'm sorry I didn't post it last week like I said I would. It needs editing and such, but I'm off to watch the rest of the movie now, and eat more fudge, and enjoy my new clothes, and enjoy the rest of my evening. I'll post it in the near future, but until then, Merry Christmas to you all. Take baths while you're home, listen to "Metals", light candles, gaze at your Christmas tree, go into the city at night, try to ice skate if you get a chance, wear scarves and hats and mittens, see old friends, hold hands, sleep late, and drink coffee. Let your souls be brightened, because it is that time of year. I wish you all peace and happiness, if only for this holiday. Tis the season.
Meanwhile, if you're desperate for some good reading and this blog has once again let you down, maybe this will satisfy you till I get some better stuff posted up: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/one-sentence-love-story/. I certainly enjoyed it.
It rained today: it should've snowed. But even without the snow, tomorrow is still Christmas Eve, and I'm glad. I've discovered something about being home that I never used to know. Since college is in New York and the only time I'm ever home is during school break, it's become a lot more enjoyable of a place. The only things I associate home with anymore are hanging out with people I love, sleeping late in my old bed, playing with my dog: just relaxing. It's really lovely. I like being home so much more now than I ever did in high school. I like it a lot.
I drank a lot of coffee today, far too much- I can't really have caffeine anymore since it does terrible things to my body, but I'm indulging because it's the holidays. Currently I'm in my favorite pajamas (my favorite pajamas always consist partially of worn, faded, over-sized t-shirts.) They're not sexy pajamas, my friend pointed out to me. She said she could picture me, married someday, writing, wearing my skirts all day and then getting home to my cold apartment and climbing in bed with my laptop and my oversized t-shirts and my glasses next to my husband...She can picture my whole life very well. Apartments and the city in the winter and simple joys, takeout meals and candlelight and cheap living all around. Book-reading and throw rugs and things that are broken and things that are recycled and creative and homemade and a lot of making do. I think it sounds like an okay picture.
I'm sitting in my bed, surrounded my my secondhand clothes, watching Bridget Jones' Diary, which is a fairly terrible movie, except I love Renee Zellweger and I love Hugh Grant and I love Colin Firth, and I love Jane Austen remakes too, even crappy ones. And anyway, BJD is one of those crappy movies that I love to indulge myself in once in a while. I'm watching it and eating homemade fudge: one of the perks of having a mother whose a 2nd grade teacher: at Christmastime she gets lots of presents from the kids, and one of those presents is always, inevitably, fudge.
I'm also listening, while I write this, to my winter playlist. Right now it consists of Feist's new album, "Metals", particularly the songs "Graveyard" and "How Come You Never Go There". It also consists of Greg Hansard and Marketa Irglova's song "Falling Slowly", The Civil Wars' song, "Poison and Wine", Lana Del Rey's song, "Video Games", Kate Nash's song, "Nicest Thing", Snow Patrol's song, "Set Fire to the Third Bar"...and well, a lot of other music I'm not going to list right now. But it's beautiful stuff, and it's perfect for the mood I'm in right now. (It's not all depressing, I only listed the sadder songs, because they're what I'm listening to now. They seemed fitting.)
I wrote a long post about tattoos and things, and I'm sorry I didn't post it last week like I said I would. It needs editing and such, but I'm off to watch the rest of the movie now, and eat more fudge, and enjoy my new clothes, and enjoy the rest of my evening. I'll post it in the near future, but until then, Merry Christmas to you all. Take baths while you're home, listen to "Metals", light candles, gaze at your Christmas tree, go into the city at night, try to ice skate if you get a chance, wear scarves and hats and mittens, see old friends, hold hands, sleep late, and drink coffee. Let your souls be brightened, because it is that time of year. I wish you all peace and happiness, if only for this holiday. Tis the season.
Meanwhile, if you're desperate for some good reading and this blog has once again let you down, maybe this will satisfy you till I get some better stuff posted up: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/one-sentence-love-story/. I certainly enjoyed it.
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