Where Is He

I wrote this some time ago, and I just read it again today. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. It makes me happy, and sad, both at the same time. I don't know if this is what I want anymore. But it was a lovely dream all the same.

Where is he, I ask you?

Eighteen years have gone and he should've come by now.

Perhaps if I describe him to you, you will know who I mean. Perhaps you will have seen him wandering the street, eating a bagel on the subway, strolling through Boston Commons, undoubtedly looking lost.

Well, first of all, he looks inexplicably like Darren Criss. He likes to wear sweaters and fitted jeans and yes, scarves in the winter. Sometimes, when he's reading, he wears glasses.

He takes me to Feist concerts and likes it when I wear lace and he sings Jack Johnson to me while I try to fall asleep.

Sometimes I wake up to see him sleeping in my chair and I touch the stubble on his chin; he grabs my hand and holds it there. He reads to me too, poetry, the fruit of love, out of the large volumes I keep mostly unopened in my makeshift crate bookshelves.

He is soft and strong simultaneously, which seems like an impossibility, but it's not. Not for him.

He knows when I'm lying and he calls me out.

But he's gentle.

He reaches into my hurting parts and draws them out.

He has discernment

But he never judges me

Because he loves me.

I don't think he exists. But I'll love him all the same, and I won't settle for anything other than him.

If you find him, tell him I'm still here. Waiting. Waiting for him to complete me.

Summer Playlist

Guess what lovely feature is being resurrected today! That's right- your favorite one!
SEASON PLAYLIST!
Drum roll please for summatime and music!
[Prepare yourself; since the creation of Spotify, it's gotten easier than ever before to find new music as well as find old music that I loved and forgot about. Hence, this summer's playlist is a doozy! One that I happen to be very proud of.]

1. Bad Girls: Asia Bryant
2. Back In Time: Pitbull
3. Bubblegum Bitch: Marina and the Diamonds
4. Synthetica: Metric
5. Scream: Michael Jackson
6. Movin Out': Billy Joel
7. Can Anyone Who Has Heard This Music Really Be A Bad Person?: Kaki King
8. Where Have You Been: Rihanna
9. Shelter: Birdy
10. From Finner: Of Monsters and Men
11. Standing Outside A Southern Riot: River City Extension
12. Wild One: FloRida ft. Sia
13. Carry Out: Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake
14. Boyfriend: Justin Bieber
15. Hazy: Love Darling
16. Speak Up: Infantree
17. Club Music: Tatiana Owens
18. White Lies: Stacy Clark
19: Just Like You: Phantods
20. Little Talks: Of Monsters and Men
21. I Get Down: All Wrong and the Plans Change
22. No Moon: Iron & Wine
23. Finding It Harder To Be A Gentleman: The White Stripes
24. Into Dust: Mazzy Star
25. F*** The Pain Away: Peaches
26. Boys Boys Boys: Lady Gaga
27. It's Raining Men: Weather Girls
28. Somebody That I Used To Know: Gotye ft. Kimbra*
29. I Think I Like You: Donora
30. I Am You: Kim Taylor
31. Calabria 2008: Enur
32. Rain Over Me: Pitbull
33. Prank Calls: Kelley Stoltz
34. Cheated Hearts: Yeah Yeah Yeahs
35. Victim: Win Win
36. The Way We Get By: Spoon
37. La Ritournelle: Sebastien Tellier
38. The Chemicals Between Us: Bush, Gavin Rossdale
39. Whipped: Erika Fatale
40. Feel So Close: Calvin Harris*
41. Settle Down: Kimbra
42. Birthday Sex: Jeremih
43. Chicago: Sufjan Stevens
44. Hella Good: No Doubt
45. The Greatest: Cat Power
46. Artificial Nocturne: Metric
47. Closer: Stacy Clark
48. Everybody Talks: Neon Trees
49. Young Folks: Peter Bjorn and John
50. Toes: LIGHTS
51. Paper Bag: Fiona Apple
52. (I've Just Begun) Having My Fun: Britney Spears
53. Lakehouse: Of Monsters and Men
54. Answering Bell: Ryan Adams
55. Neptune City: Nicole Atkins
56. One Moment Is All It Takes: The Ultrasonics
57. Good Girl: Dawn Jackson
58. Fibber: Infantree
59. Smooth Criminal: Michael Jackson
60. The Void: Metric
61. I Need A Dollar: Aloe Blacc
62. Never Close Our Eyes: Adam Lambert
63. Soon, My Friend: M83
64. Junkie Love: Nycole Valentina
65. Lost You There: Sub Rosa
66. Femme Fatale: Erika Fatale
67. Not The Same: Drew Davis
68. I U She: Peaches
69. Cockiness [Love It]: Rihanna
70. Hanging On: Ellie Goulding ft. Tinie Tempah

*Honorable Mention* Birthday Cake: Rihanna

*The stars are to indicate songs that are huge radio hits now, but are by bands that have been around for years. I just want you all to know that I've been listening to Calvin Harris for 4 years now and Gotye for 3, so I'm not a follower, I'm actually a super cool hipster or whatever, and yes, it's pathetic, but I needed you to know this.

Candidness

I feel guilty because it's been so long since I've posted and I'm getting worse and worse about posting as the months go by.

I think I know why.

You see I've been posting a lot on my tumblr lately (yes, I know, spare me your disgust and revulsion), and it's because- I have less respect for tumblr. I don't feel like it demands high quality, long, well-thought out posts, like blogspot does. It's just tumblr. I can be silly there, casual and candid and low-key. I reblog stupid sayings and sexy pictures and act every bit like the idiotic nineteen-year-old I am. I feel like I'm not being judged on tumblr, and I've got no one to impress. In fact, I've been getting more and more lax about what I put up there. I'm usually pretty uptight about what I post on the internet. Not big on a whole ton of personal details or pictures of myself or just- I don't know. I don't get into detail about the stuff in my life that is super personal. And with good reason. You never know who's reading what. Thinking about it now, I really just oughta go and delete a whole bunch of stuff from my tumblr right now. Not even because it's necessarily all that bad, it just might give people the wrong impression. Or the right impression that I don't want them to have...

But honestly, it feels good to be candid. I don't like hiding stuff. I like to be open. Not in-your-face, but not uptight. I'm a laid-back person in general, except for one tiny medical condition we won't get into here. I don't like having to get all crazy and intense about what I put up online. But I have good reason to be paranoid.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, like I'm trying to justify myself to you. I don't need to justify anything.

I'm bored. My new piercing hurts like a mother- this is the first time it's really hurt since I got it nearly two weeks ago- today it's just been really irritated for some unfathomable reason. My jaw is awful too and now I've just realized I almost forgot to take my meds, which would be all kinds of bad. I reek of cigarettes too, because I had a cigar on the back deck, because I was avoiding writing my paper, and that's about as BA as it gets over here in Pembroke.

Sometimes I get scared because I'm nineteen and life is too short not to live it the way you want to- I heard that in a movie once, and it hit hard, and I think it's so true but I'm way too much of a pansy to actually go out and do what I want.

I told my friends that- one night on the playground- told them how scared I was and what a coward I can be and my friend P told me I'm one of the bravest people he knows. It meant a lot, though I don't believe him. I don't think of myself as brave, at all. I think I'm learning things, constantly having new experiences and it is teaching me a bit of wisdom here and there. That's what I strive for, really, is wisdom through experience. I hate ignorance more than anything else and 75% of the things I do are so that I can avoid being ignorant.

But brave? Not on your life. So I let strangers stick needles into me, so I go out sometimes, so I stay out late or take a chance here and there. All of my chances don't really count because they're always physical. I risk my body, my health, my well-being.

But I never take emotional risks. I never tell people what I really think. I never put my personal, spiritual, inner well-being into any danger. I have never in my life really taken a chance on someone else or on myself.

I'm already way too emotionally screwed up without even putting myself in any risk, and honestly, my emotional fear is what I'd consider to be one of my greatest weaknesses. So, yeah, brave isn't exactly the word I'd choose to describe myself.

But what if I die before I ever work up the courage?

How's that for candid?

Listening: Shelter by Birdy