It was hot here today and I wanted to go to the beach, which is something I haven't really done this summer but my mother didn't want to go and all of my friends were busy or working so after I got up this morning and drank my coffee, I went back to bed until probably two o'clock. While I was sleeping I had several dreams, the most notable one being that my phone caught on fire. It was smoking and I was scared so I screamed for my mother who was quite unhelpful throughout the whole ordeal. I put it in water (or she might have, I can't remember) but the water boiled over and was dominated by the fire. My mother seemed thoroughly unperturbed by everything but when the water boiled over, I yelled for her again and finally she saw how dire the situation was and she urged me and my sister to get out of the house. It was then that I realized that in my life, I honestly had no care for what burnt up, all of my worldly goods, the music and books I have amassed, my laptop, my iPod, I couldn't be bothered with losing any of it; I only worried for my dog. We got outside and my house burned, burned all away before the fire department finally came and when the fire was put out, I wanted to go back inside and see what had become of my room but everyone kept telling me no, that I was too hysterical, that I needed to wait a week before I would be emotionally stable enough to see what had become of things, but I told them that if I didn't go and see it now I never would.
I don't believe that dreams are half as significant as we give them credit for but I looked up the meaning of it anyway in this little cyclopedia of dream meanings that I stole from the book room at my high school while doing inventory one summer. It says, "If a particular object is on fire (house, car, etc.), this may symbolize over-commitment to it or fear of a world without it. Freud found fire to be a symbol of male power. In this case, fire may indicate control over a circumstance or a struggle to feel that way, depending on whether the fire is controlled or not. Do you question your own morality at times? Are you seeking cleansing from a bad experience? Do you perceive your own life is about to go through a significant transition that requires spiritual preparation?)
I don't really think any of this means anything at all. I honestly think I had the dream because I found a lit cigarette on the ground outside while walking my dog last night and I stamped it out and put it in my purse but then I kept getting paranoid that it was still going to be lit and my purse would catch on fire and ignite my house while I was sleeping, but no, the cigarette was out, so those fears were unfounded.
I was in town last night for dinner with friends and we drove through some apartments in Boston which were so beautiful that it hurt, it ached really, because I felt in myself that they were where I was supposed to be, that city is where I am supposed to be, every night and every day, all of the time. But I don't think I ever will be.
Just like Houghton is not where I'm supposed to be, I'm supposed to be somewhere else, but already I'm planning out my spring semester schedule and I can see the time slipping away from me and me never ending up transferring like I want to and just staying at Houghton, all four years, miserable but complacent, because I never had the gumption to pull myself together and do it.
Just like I'll never become a writer, because I'll want it, I'll think about it, but I'll never just do it, something will always hold me back, I'll always tell myself tomorrow or later and I'll never sit down and write and try because I'm lazy and afraid of rejection and so all my life will be a disappointment every day.
I wonder if Lena Dunham ever felt this way or if she was a go-getter and a doer and be-er from the start.
